Who ate all the Pies?

As I have mentioned in the past I find myself killing time in a industry which is full of lard. Yes there are perks to my to my line of work, they usually bounce on the treadmill and mesmerise even the the biggest geno, wearing his trade mark bonds top while admiring himself during the gun show. As I was saying yes you do occasionally get a fit tidy thing come and see you for advice, but predominantly my day consists of more ass than the donkey stall at the royal Melbourne show. I can understand that some people enjoying carrying abit more junk in the trunk, some folk wear abit of chunk well, and each to their own I'm all for abit of junk. But what I'm harping on about is the big fat stinker... And yes they smell, my nostril hair seems to quiver at the thought of even heading to work. This monstrous being, once as common as a yetti, is now almost common at the local gym. And good on em 4 having a crack, but what I notice is "big Jim" will hit the gym for a week or so, then Jims no where to be seen, which is hard cause Jim ain't the size of the tv remote. Then a few years later jimbo will walk in the doors yet again even more voluptuous than b4, all to start his week training regime again. The question is, how chunky does one have to get before they stop and think, fuck I it's been a while since I last saw my feet..As a trainer u live with constant barrage of the same old chunky questions, how long will it take to loose 50kg? Can I still eat maccas? Can I just drink on the weekend? And after dealing with this crap for the better part of a decade I see people feel many things for the large pant man.. Sum feel sorrow, pity, etc... I'm constantly hearing it's not their fault... Well who's fault is it? Personally I see it as just piss poor weakness. As I good mate of mine says "any cunt can stay in bed on Sunday and eat bacon and eggs". And it's true to a point where it takes a strong will person to get outta bed and challenge themselves physically, and no I'm not talking about rolling over and waxing one out. Out of the 100's of chunky arses that have walked thru the doors sideways, only a hand full have kept with it to be able see their genitals.. So Jim, the bloke who wears a deluxe model from rays tent city, may stroll in once a year and ask as much advice as he pleases, but unless I can put some gaffer tape around their gobb, advice isn't what jimbo needs. As another mate says "u can lead a horse to water, but u can't force it to drink". So the horse be wasting my time, and keeping KFC stock high.So who ate all the pies? U FAT BASTARD, U FAT BASTARD U ATE ALL THE PIES Sent from the gates of hell

Balls deep and not a floatie insight‏

On recent discussions with a mate, he felt the need to include the fact he is currently on some what of a dry spell, not talking about the grass getting a little weekly water, I'm talking about the worst kind of draught, yes a draught occurring in the neither regions.This discussion then got Me a thinking.... And thinking sum more..... (enter think music here) Anyway it occurred to me that in between relationships at futile age of 21, I endured a 9 month stint without any action what so ever, and no I wasn't on a tour in Afghanistan, just plane and simple I just could close. At the time, it was daunting on me that if I crossed the 12 month barrier I was a born again virgin. And as fun as that sounded u just don't get bragging rights down at the pub. It wouldn't exactly be like shouting a pint for a digger, mate u were shooting the chows out of the trees in Vietnam, yeah well this bloke over here hasn't hit tail for over a year. BANG Thankfully that period of my life has never again raised it's dirty little head.But I did take the opportunity of my misfortune to learn from my experience. When single and being in a draught the opposite sex can sense or smell the fact you've been jacking off to an abundance of porn, and will walk right past you without a second thought. Yet add the trusty side kick to your arm in the form of a Girl Friend and other women seem not to be able to take their eyes off you.My married mates seem to confirm this science, that because other women see he is off the market he is approachable, or maybe it's to see why he is good enough to be taken off the shelf. Women seem to have it programed in their minds that all men are on the hunt looking for a prey at all times, yet add that wedding ring or girlfriend and the threat to their fertile eggs is replaced with a complacent calm of what's so good about him, and She could get him, I wonder if I could. Women want what other women have, they love competition. Yet the single bloke with a heavier set of balls walk in the room and up goes the gates.God dam women, making it tough on the bloke with the gonads is struggling to carry em, while the bloke with the attachment is fighting em off with a stick, and most likely missing a good layer of flesh from the old fella.

Well HELLLLLLO Red.

It is a sad and sick world we live in, yet i still always feel like im fighting well above my weight class in the title of perversion. As one gets older, likes and dislikes for certain fetishes change, yet my latest fetish is almost like an addiction. For the past year or so I have been finding myself strangely attracted Red heads. No not the matches, im talking about the fiery red haired vixens suddenly popping out infront of me left right and centre. I use to think the "red" female was rare sighting, not big foot rare, more like seeing a ferrari rare, u know their about but u might only see one a week. However this is not the case, im not sure if im paying more attention, or their has been a sudden migration from the the country that stocks the "red", but im sighting these little minxes everywhere. I go to the supermarket, i spot a couple. i go to the local swimming pool, and u guessed it, a sighting. what about the librarian red head? "OH shhhit bitches", there she is and i like what i see.... So im beginning to ask, "what the hell is wrong with me?"...
This topic has been discussed with mates, asking them if they mind the old red head. And pending which sick fuck im asking, the responses vary, although im seeing a common pattern in responses, that being the typical hot female red head.. ie nice bum, big titts etc. But thats not a fetish, thats the common bloke wanting to bed the typical hot chick, no im much more perverted, im talking about the typical "red", freckles, white skin, nothing fancy. Again what the hell is wrong with me?
I have never bedded a "red" myself but when discussing this topic with a fellow swords man, he develged a horrific statement. His fellow swords men has bedded a number of reds, (lucky boy) but has found the red haired beauties with blue eyes hold a repelling woft in the down stairs department. I was morified by this and said this bloke cannot judge on a single blue eyed red hair alone, his response was he had slept with 5 blue eyed "reds", yet claims the red haired beauties with brown eyes are nasal friendly.
So as i ponder my desires, and come to the realisation i may need "professional help" (u can read that anyway u want) im sure i;ll one day i;ll have enough courage to stand up to my freaky sickness and see if the carpet matches the curtains.
but lets hope the carpet has been dry cleaned, cause no one likes smelly rug.

The Cloak Of Invisibility

I am a simple man with simple pleasures, the smallest of occurences, I find can make or break a day. For example, your busting your guts and in dire need of "dropping the kids off at the pool", but you know your not going to be able to clench those cheeks long enough to find a suitable lavotory, so you take your chances and duck into the nearest public facility, as you dash frantically through puddles on the floor, watching your foot placement so that puddle ( your hoping in just water ) doesn't splash up and soak up your new DS trainers. U kick open the cubicle door and relieve yourself on the aluminium bowl without a seat. You then turn your head to find the crap wrap dispenser is no longer containing that 3 ply, silk Purex you were hoping for. No this is a bad day.Another day, your at home, due is calling in sick at work. Your relaxing on the couch watching the day time soaps, just to perve on the ladies of course. (definatly not for the story line). You start to feel abit peckish so you head to the freezer grab the open tub of neopolitian ice cream ( it's feeling abit light) so of course you wouldn't have your hopes up. To your surprise you pull the lid off only to find a a whole un touched row of chocolate sitting there all by it's lownsome. This ladies and gentlemen is a good day. Having said all that, I believe a good portion of the male species believes simple pleasure are the key to a happy life. So why is it that women are making it more and more difficult for these simple occurrences to come by. Example, this happens to all males regardless of look, age and bank balance. No one is spared from this womanly injustice, I am refering to driving along a loverly stretch of road coming to a intersection or set of lights. You come to a stop, turn your head and glance at the female in the car beside you. You continue to glance, and glance some more until that glance has become a full out stare. Now the woman is the car beside you knows your starring, she knew when it was a simple glance, but she will refuse to turn her head and make any eye contact. And why ? When did a little bit of eye contact become such an adulterous affair? If the woman in the car did turn her head and make slight eye contact with the male in the car opposite it would make his day. It would immediatly remove all the negative occurences and make the little fella feel that all is well in society and he is apart of it ( although he mostly isn't) and the world is a happy place. What's that you don't believe me? I myself was walking down oxford street on holidays last year and was walking towards a stunning female, this woman was well and truely out of my league, yet as we drew closer to one another and I was admire her beauty, she looked up, made eye contact and then flipped a little smile, right in my direction. As a matter I fact I had to turn my head to make sure she wasn't smiling at some one behind me (she wasn't) we proceded to continue walking and we both went on our merry way. After this Haley comet of occurences transpired I was one happy man, that moment made the holiday. And all it took was a little eye contact from a little eye candy and abit of a smile. Like I said life is all about those simple pleasures, so ladies give it up and stop being the bitch at the lights trying to burn a hole in your dash board with your dead arse stare.

shooting yourself in the foot while he's shot well and truely over the bar

In a perfect world, I would wake up in the morning, after hitting my snooze button five or six times, roll over and give my porn star girl friend a tap on the bum saying "get to it". I then wouldnt have to head off to work, instead would simply lounge by the pool, perving on my missus titts as they bounce too and fro as she clipped a few small branches off the money tree, growing down the side of my mansion. Unfortunately we live and a parallel universe to that one, an evil world were we must oblige by the rules and regulations of human selection. We scower the globe, rummaging through years of torment, anguish and desire for the perfect mate.
This search is like a hunger for perfection, the perfect face, the perfect body, the perfect personality, and some one who can cook a bloody pie. Yet after all those years searching for that perfection, that sisteen chapel we pull up stumps and decide "yeah they'll do," and end up with a, well lets face it ,a bag of mixed nuts. So in this instance of "right here right now" you would most likely be stuck with a vicious hand of the following

*fugly (fucken ugly) but nice personality

*huge bitch (chunky) but willing to go that extra mile, knowing theyll most likely never get another root again after you

*hot BITCH (its in capitals for a reason) yeah shes hot but she insists on wearing the pants, and the "star fish" is her favourite position, cause she doesn't like to sweat

*The cougar (old duck but still looks the goods) if u have gone this way i believe the world is your oyster, up until she hits 60ish and ur still 40 odd and sex is starting to smell like burnt rubber. but as they say "old chook make good soup."

* Teenie Bopper ( young bird ) these things go off like a cat on a hot tin roof, yet can whinge and squawk like a lorrakeet being mauled by a dingo

and finaly, the smartie ( brains bigger than her boobs) most likely to smart to be with you.

The problem being that for some idiotic reason the average male has given up hope of searching for that perfection and has began settling for one of those "up there"or a woman that does not meet his original criteria . This has put the world as we know it at risk and turmoil, spinning the earth on a completely different axis. I hear u asking "what the hell has he been smoking?"
Truth is you yourself have probably noticed a change in the air but have yet to put 2 and 2 together. You know what im talking about, your walking down the street hand in hand with your "fugly" and what do you discover walking the opposite direction?.... you see a absolute stunner walking side by side, 6inches taller, than her little dweeb/nerd/fatty boyfriend..... WTF?
like I said, the world is spinning off its axis,... How has this little fatty come up with the goods on something which is well out of his league? And simple. The good looking roosters of our generation have given up on "that dream 4 perfection", thinking it is well out of their reach, and has settled for the easy, I cant be fucked anymore option... which is fine, but almost a whole generation of good looking roosters have taken this option, leaving the gate wide open for the chicken hawks. The chicken hawks are reaping the spoils and ending up with tail far to good for them. If this continues, think of the consequences... They must be stopped, we must unite and rise up against these little vermin laughing at us, while having sex with unbelievably hot women. We must Not give up the quest for the hotness, we must not give in to the fuglies, but most importantly we shall bring down those little chicken hawks who have shot well and truly over the bar, walking hand in hand with their model girlfriends, and return the world to Order,
otherwise youll still be jacking off to porn and nothing will of changed.

The BIG BANG Theory

Today boys and girls we are going to discuss why mummy and daddy dont make sexy time like these use to...... Ok seriously, hot topic at the moment. This one has been in the works as a hot conversation for the last few weeks amongst friends and colleagues. The subject at hand is stale sex. Lets start from the beginning, many moons ago when i was a young pupp, we'll say along the lines of 18ish, innocent and very sheltered I ( for sum unknown reason ) assumed adultery was very one sided. (Man cheats on woman!) and was under the assumption that it was rare for it to be the other way round. However spending close to the last decade in the fitness industry, and having a majority of my clientele being of the female descent, I have some to realise that it is by far the other way round (woman cheats on man). I hear u ask how does one come up with such a promiscuous claim with no hard facts. I have been saying it for years if one is to endeavor into the fitness world, not only do they need the fitness credentials but also a bachelor in psycology.
fore sum unknown reason when training with a person, what ever it maybe, and for how ever long you may or maynot of known that person, they insist on sharing personal information which
1) you dont really give a shit about, 2) their best friend or shrink hasnt even been told.
and 3) if you did giv a shit, u could hear the same dribble on day time soaps. the bold and the beautiful. There you have it, the reasoning behind the facts...... THEY TELL ME.

So all this had got me thinking over the years, why are all these stunning women, in their 30's and 40's cheating on thier husbands and boyfriends??? And every one of them say the same. They just arent getting it at home, which forces them else where. I remember in biology class way back at school, (one of the few things i remember from my hay day but it stuck with me). males reach sexual peak at 18 where females reach their sexual peak at the ripe age of 38. Interesting, I have a theory and its much sexier than science.
like i said big topic of late, much discussion and much debate but here goes
THE BIG BANG THEORY- When i couple first gets together the sex is unlike anything else, its exciting, its fun, its what i like to call "PORN SEX". its the sorta sex where anything goes and anything is allowed because your experimenting with each other, do they like that... no, then mayb this. ANYTHING is allowed. But due to evolution grinding our sexual encounters to a minimum, sex becomes mundane and boring, same positions, same techniques, YAWN. my favourite food is ice cream, yet i wouldnt be silly enough to eat it every meal, otherwise and god forbid i'd get sick of it. So with that being said why do we do the same with our sex lives?

Speaking rigorously with female friends on this topic i do feel it is the male who become bored with this repetitive or stale sex first. Women confuse stale sex with "making love" (yawn), while men on the other hand still feel the lust for that RAW porn sex. Although because the male isnt getting his porn sex, he has taken his bat and ball and headed off home.
The sex cycle of a married couple.
first 6-12months= Hot Porn sex, every day or every second day
1-3 yrs = constant sex, usually in bed, where as it use to b on the kitchen table, the talk is no longer dirty and the filth that was once flowing freely from her mouth is now replaced with, "im not doing that anymore... IM YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
4-6yrs = once a week shag in the masterbed on your chiropractic mattress.
6-8yrs= once a month and on special occasions, birthdays, christmas, thats about it
8-10yrs= only special occasions, and its forced, u dont really wana b doing it.
10yrs + = your getting sweet fuck all. and the woman is banging other blokes telling her trainer about it.
So how do we fix this mighty shamble we have got ourselves into? Well this might sound silly and immature but there is a little bit of logic behind the monster load of madness, Its all about the porn, how happy would guys be if their lady was busting out the sexy teddy with the thigh high stockings, GRRRRR. leav the high heels on. what im getting at is we've all seen porn, and iv got a funny feeling most of us like the stuff, despite what is said. otherwise why would half a billion internet sites be of the poon? simple, supply and demand, we as humans love raw hot sex, yet most of us are unwilling to supply the good stuff after a year or so into a relationship. So in conclusion to all this take on what you will, but i solemnly believe that PORN is going to save the world.

The day I lost my virginity

After YEARS of peer pressure, wanting but holding out, today I have finally succomb to loosing my virginity on the blogspot. I ask myself why after all these years of ridiculing those who do blog, and answer been purely for entertainment purposes. Not only is my goal to write the tripe that flows from my gums but to express views and agruements which lye deep and dorment inside a mind which sum say is "pretty simple", yet i like to think of as a bottomless abyss of knowledge unseen by man (mayb abit by woman) until now.

I Know many, who enjoy writting a good blog, all of which seem to share and express their views of certain expertise. Sharing knowledge of careers, passions, beliefs etc. My idea for a blog is to share cappers, stories and moments of which may seem fictional, as i'v been told on many occassions my life is that of a day time soap operah. And the point behind all this? for a good old laugh and joke about topics people luv to read and talk about. SEX, ADULTERY, PORN, PEOPLE FALLING OVER, GETTING KICKED IN THE BALLS, WHAT TO WEAR ON A BLINDE DATE, AND OF COURSE FAT PEOPLE, just some of the many topics which may or may not appear in the coming publications.

Seeing as though this is the day i loose my virginity on this post, i must or should make it a little more presonal. So a little about "the Princess".
Beleive it or not but im a 27yr old Male heterosexual, long story about "princess". Im rather into the fitness side of life, being a personal trainer and having a life style which regarded by my father as a "never ending holiday". I have a brother, and a couple of sisters. and as far as being a intermit read about me, that all she wrote.

My virginity on the blog was pretty gentle for a first blow. Stay tuned for morning Glory